Department of Hilarious Moments:Maintaining a Sense of Humor in Difficult Times

The well-known and well-respected war correspondent, Dexter Filkins, writing in the New York Times on Tuesday of this past week, reported on the secret talks that have been going on for the last three months between Taliban and Afghan leaders to end the war in Afghanistan. The talks seemed to be showing promise, Filkins wrote, “if only because of the repeated appearance of a certain insurgent leader at one end of the table: Mullah Askhtar Muhammad Mansour, one of the most senior commanders in the Taliban movement.”

Mr. Mansour was considered so critical to the success of the talks that NATO and Afghan officials held three meetings with him, he was flown to Kabul on a NATO aircraft and taken to the presidential palace for an official audience with President Hamid Karzai and, to top it off, he was given “a sizeable sum of money to take part in the talks — and to help persuade him to return.” (The amount is estimated to have been in the low six figures.) Even General Petraeus was on board, commenting favorably on the progress the talks were making with his participation, and Mr. Filkens himself was cautioned not to reveal the presence of Mr. Mansour at the negotiations for security reasons.

Then something strange and unexpected happened. At a recent meeting in Kandahar a man who knew Mr. Mansour personally was brought into the negotiating room and given a seat at the table. What followed probably went something like this:

The NATO official said to the man, “Please present yourself to Mr. Mansour.”

“Fine,” he replied, “but where’s Mr. Mansour?”

“He’s right there. He’s seated across from you.”

“Er, no, sir, he’s not. That’s not Mr. Mansour. I’ve never seen that man before. I don’t know who he is.”

[The reaction of the NATO official has not been released and is considered classified.]

There you have it. As it turned out, Mullalh Askhtar Muhammad Mansour was not really Mullah Askhtar Muhammad Mansour after all.

Dexter Filkins was thus compelled to conclude: “In an episode that could have been lifted from a spy novel, United States and Afghan officials now say the Afghan man was an impostor, and high level discussions conducted with the assistance of NATO appear to have achieved little.”

Well, okay, you say, but what happened to the imposter after his cover was blown? The answer: to complete this military version of the keystone cops, somehow the guy was left unattended and he simply walked back over the border into Pakistan into the mountains from whence he came. Nobody (on our side) knows where he is — or, for that matter, who he is.

After the fact, an unnamed Western diplomat said, “It’s funny but not funny because the consequences are so staggering.”

To the contrary, I know full well that these negotiations were at least thought to have been important stuff, but come on, you all, we have to admit it — this episode in the war in Afghanistan is totally, flat-out hilarious.

Sources: Dexter Filkins, “Taliban Leader in Secret Talks Was an Impostor: Setback in NATO Effort: Man Purporting to Be Insurgents’ No. 2 Got Western Money,” New York Times A1 (November 23, 2010); Maureen Dowd, “The Great Game Imposter,” New York Times A23 (November 24, 2010).

Elect This Man!

I welcomed the news that a man by the name of Jason Gillman is running for the Grand Traverse County Commission. Jason, it appears, is a Republican and “a Tea Party activist.” Recently, he turned his attention to what is known as the state’s “Bridge Card” program which provides food assistance to the poor.

Jason doesn’t like the program. “The shame is the overall mismanagement of the environment that Michigan’s in,” he said. “A little too much government involvement has caused what we’re in.” More specifically, Jason says that “I don’t think folks should be buying soda.”

For the moment, forget that 6,117 residents of Grand Traverse County, Jason’s constituency, depend on the program. Forget that over the past year those enrolled in our five-county area increased by 33%, and that the number enrolled in Leelanau County alone, where I live, increased by 47%. Forget that unemployment rates soared this year in the region (the rate in Grand Traverse County jumped from 11.6% in 2009 to 12.4% this year, and reached 14.9% in Benzie County this summer). Forget that nationally the ranks of the long-term unemployed exploded by over 400% - from 1.3 million in December 2007, when the recession began, to 6.8 million last June. Forget that in 2008-09 median household incomes plummeted in Michigan a whopping 6.9%, which was more than twice the national average of minus 2.9% and greater than any other state. Forget that the co-chairman of Food Rescue of Northwest Michigan said recently that "there doesn't seem to be a limit to the need." Forget that a Kingsley woman told the Record-Eagle that, without the Bridge Card program, “We wouldn’t make it. I wouldn’t be able to feed my kids.” Just forget all that.

Jason’s political and economic ideology provides that the poor should be reduced to and assisted only at a subsistence level, if at all. They shouldn’t have old televisions, worn-out electrical appliances, beat-up cars, decent clothing, or adequate health care. Or, for that matter, enough to eat.

But Jason’s over-the-top really brilliant idea was captured in the following report in Sunday’s Record-Eagle: “Gillman would rather see more people go to work and fewer rely on state assistance.”

You’d think, wouldn’t you, that by now someone else would have thought of that! I mean, really. Like most Tea Partiers, hey, this guy Jason is a frigging genius!

So don’t waste a moment, Grand Traverse County! Get him on board the County Commission! Vote for Jason Gillman!

Out at Home, Out for the Season: The Play that Cost the Tigers the 2010 Division Title

Everyone knows that Jim Leyland is a great baseball manager. He’s managed in over 2,800 games in the major leagues for the Pirates (eleven years), the Marlins (two years), the Rockies (one year), and the Tigers (four-and-a-half years and counting). He’s only the seventh manager in history to win pennants in both the National and American Leagues and a three-time Manager of the Year Award winner. He’s also a very good guy, respected, admired, and well liked by players, owners, and members of the press.

But, you know, even Jim Leyland makes mistakes. He made a fairly big one during a night game with the Toronto Blue Jays on July 24. And Leyland’s veteran third base coach, Gene Lamont, made an even bigger one.

Here’s what happened: Magglio Ordonez, the Tiger’s popular veteran right fielder and the team’s second best hitter, was suffering the effects of a sprained ankle and was unable to play the outfield. But he could still swing the bat and Leyland wanted him in there. At this point in the season, considering the status of the American League Central Division (the Tigers, Twins and the White Sox were in a three-way fight for the lead), every game was important. For several games Magglio had been in the line-up as the designated hitter, and Leyland decided to play him again in that role. This meant, of course, that Magglio would play offense and hit, but he would not play defense where, in his position in right field, he’d have to do a lot of running.

In the third inning, rookie centerfielder Austin Jackson singled. Magglio walked. At this point, Magglio was no longer a hitter; he’d become a runner. But he was not supposed to run. It wasn’t that he couldn’t run at all, it’s just that he’d have to run on his bum right ankle. The issue before Leyland thus became whether or not to remove Magglio for a pinch-runner. Doing that, of course, would remove him — and his bat — from the lineup for the remainder of the game. Leyland made the decision to leave Magglio in the game.

Next up was the clean-up hitter, Miguel Cabrera, who many regard as the best offensive player in baseball right now and who is a candidate for the coveted Triple Crown (first in batting average, runs batted in, and home runs over an entire season). At the time, Miguel was hitting around .349, had about 24 home runs, about 85 rbi’s and, in addition, led the Major Leagues in doubles with about 32. All of this meant that there was a very good likelihood that Cabrera would put the ball into play and turn Magglio into a baserunner, big time. Nobody seemed to be thinking about it, but Magglio was put in a very vulnerable situation.

And that’s just what happened. Miguel Cabrera lined a double into the gap off the wall in right-center, and Magglio began circling the bases, running as fast as he possibly could. Depending on how far and where the ball is hit, how quickly it is recovered by an outfielder and how quickly and accurately it is relayed by an infielder to the catcher, runners on first often score on a double. But not always; it depends on all those factors. It also depends on the speed of the baserunner. Which depends, in large part, on the condition of his wheels.

Jackson, starting from second base, scored easily. However, it was evident — or should have been — that an attempt by Magglio to score from first on Cabrera’s double would, at the very least, wind up in a close play at home. Nonetheless, as he approached third base, Gene Lamont, coaching at third base, waived Magglio home. As the play continued to develop and the ball was being relayed home, there was no doubt — to the experienced Lamont or anyone else watching — that Magglio would have to slide in order to avoid being tagged out. Lamont’s decision to push Magglio to score on Cabrera’s double — the second coaching decision affecting the play — put Magglio at risk even more than the earlier decision to allow him to run the bases. And if the first decision was questionable, this one was disastrous.

Why was Magglio placed at risk by these decisions? The answer to that is pretty obvious. Magglio was put at risk when he was made a baserunner because he had a sprained ankle, an injury that occurs when the ligaments in the ankle are forced beyond their normal range of motion and are torn. Ligaments are tough, elastic bands of fibrous tissue that connect one bone to another and help stabilize joints, preventing excessive movement. Magglio was at risk because he was put into a position where he would be required to run, and possibly run hard, and where the stability of his ankle would very likely be tested to the max.

Well, we now know how it turned out. Magglio was laboring as he rounded third and headed for home. He did have to slide, which he did, and he was tagged out, about ten feet from home plate — it wasn’t even close. (He shouldn’t have been sent home even had he been in the best of health.) Far more important, however, was that in the process of sliding the cleats on Magglio’s right foot dug slightly into the dirt around home plate resulting in his ankle being again twisted. His ankle ligaments not being sufficient to withstand the trauma and maintain stability of the joint, Magglio suffered a fracture to his already injured right ankle. He will be out of action for six to eight weeks, and will probably not return until after September 1.

After the game, Johnny Damon (who, because of a bad back, also hasn’t been playing recently) told reporters: “I saw his right foot go another direction and I was hoping it was just a sprain, but unfortunately it was more severe. Anytime you lose a guy like that, it’s huge. He’s the No. 3 hitter. He’s that bridge from me to Cabrera, so it’s tough. And the length of time we’re going to lose him — it’s six to eight weeks. So we know that could very well be the [end of his] season.”

And, most likely, it was also the end of the Tigers’ season, the end of their hopes to win a division title this year and to get into post-season play. Leyland couldn’t have known it at the time he let Magglio run the bases, but three innings later Carlos Guillen, the Tiger’s star second baseman, would suffer a right calf strain that would place him on the 15-day disabled list. On the other hand, it was known at the time that Brandon Inge, the able and likeable Tigers’ third baseman, in a game with the Texas Rangers six days earlier had suffered a broken hand after being struck by a pitch. Inge was not expected to return for four-to-six weeks.

Thus, in the course of a week, three of the Tiger’s first seven hitters wound up out of commission for extended periods of time. Moreover, with the trading deadline approaching on July 31, there was no way the damage could be repaired simply by engaging in one or more “rent-a-player”-type trades that have recently become part of the baseball scene. (These trades involve a contending team sending secondary players and/or minor league prospects, often good ones, to other teams for established players who will become free agents at the end of the season. The star players in the trades may only play for the contender until their contracts expire at the end of the season; thus the term “rent-a-player.”)

In a post-game interview, Jim Leyland told reporters that “We’ve got to revamp this whole thing now. I haven’t even talked to [general manager Dave Dombrowski] yet. I have no idea who’s coming up [from the minors to replace Ordonez and Guillen]. I have no idea what we’re doing.”

The Tigers were suddenly in a terrible position, particularly because they’ve relied so heavily this season on rookies — Austin Jackson, Brennan Boesch, Scott Sizemore, Danny Worth, Alex Avila and Robbie Weinhardt. Later on, Dombrowski said that he had no intention of trading away these guys or every other good prospect in the Tiger’s organization for end-of-the-season starters in an effort that would be problematic, at best. Arguably, the Tigers needed another good bat in the lineup to make it to the play-offs even before the injuries occurred, and while you can sometimes fill a spot, or even a couple of spots with prospects-for-veteran type trades, there’s only a slim possibility of repairing the wide-spread damage the Tigers have suffered that way.

On July 30, in the first game of a series in Boston with the Red Sox, Jhonny Peralta, just obtained from Cleveland in a trade, homered twice that night in his first appearance as a Tiger. While the Tigers held on to win, staving off a grand slam home run by David Ortiz in the 9th inning, I noticed that the last three batters for the Tigers were hitting .187, .201, and .210, respectively. This at a time when 31% of the Tigers’ run production was coming from one man, Miguel Cabrera, and when the Tigers had won only 4 of their last 18 games since the All-Star break when they were in first place in the division. (They’re now in a free-fall, 7.0 games behind the White Sox and 6.5 behind the Twins.) With an offensive weakness that profound, the only reason that the Tigers are hanging on to third place is that Kansas City and Cleveland (the other two teams in the Central Division) are playing so poorly. But now it’s virtually impossible that the Tigers will be able win the division this year.

Admittedly, this analysis has the benefit of 20/20 hindsight. Nonetheless, though Leyland’s decision to let Ordonez run ahead of Cabrera was not terrible, it was, I think, a mistake. But hindsight or not, Lamont’s decision to waive him home was surely a mistake and was indeed terrible.

So it was. The decisions regarding how to play Magglio Ordonez on July 24 in the game against the Blue Jays were deadly for the Tigers’ hopes for the post-season this year. Once a contender, they now have a very little chance of passing the Twins and the White Sox, and because of their mediocre record (they’re only playing around .500 for the season) they’re already out of the wild card race.

And those decisions didn’t do Magglio Ordonez much good either. Not only was he enjoying another very good year, but at the time of his injury he was 175 plate appearances of 54 games shy of the vesting option in his contract that would guarantee him $15 million in 2011. As one reporter pointed out, the odds of that happening at this point are somewhere between slim and none.

It’s likely that very few fans realized just how important those decisions were on July 24th — both occurring in a game played two-and-a-half months before the end of the season. But they probably meant the end of a successful season in 2010 for both the Tigers and for Magglio Ordonez.

What If They Threw a War and Nobody Came?

The funniest thing in the newspaper yesterday (Sunday, June 27) was not in the funny pages, but in an article in The New York Times concerning recent developments in Afghanistan. After recapping the stunning dismissal of General McChrystal and the apparent efforts of Afghan President Hamid Karzai to negotiate a peace directly with Taliban leaders and their Pakistani backers, the author, Scott Shane, made this statement in a stand-alone paragraph:

"Even as the Obama administration smoothly handled the McChrystal flap and regrouped behind the Afghanistan policy, word came in a report in The New York Times on Friday of diplomatic maneuvering between Afghan and Pakistani leaders that could result in a separate peace, potentially leaving the American generals with 100,000 troops and no one to fight."

Call me perverse, but this, I think, is simply hilarious.

Nuclear Transparency

In a tiny obscure wire service article tucked away on the back page of the Traverse City Record-Eagle a few days ago was a report that, "in an unprecedented accounting of a secretive arsenal," the Pentagon had announced that the United States has 5,113 nuclear warheads in its stockpile and "several thousand" more "awaiting the junkpile." Hillary Clinton, speaking at the U.N., said that the disclosure was in the interests of "transparency."

A quick look at Google tells me that there are 336 cities in the world with a population over one million, and another 256 with a population of between 600,000 and a million. Accordingly, if we were to drop one nuclear bomb on each of those 592 cities, we’d still have 4,521 left over. Hmmm. Tough decisions ahead. Just what will we do with all those unused bombs? Well, you never know, do you, when a little extra will come in handy.

Since we’ve experienced the awesome fright of the shoe-bomber, the underpants-bomber, and now the Times Square non-bomber, hopefully we’ve learned several times over that it always pays to have a few of the really big bombs in reserve. We just can't have too many of those nukes at the ready.

So, the Times Square scare notwithstanding, if you missed the article and are learning about this now for the first time, I’ll bet you’re feeling safer already.

Aren’t you?

Oh, and by the way, where the hell is that "junkpile" located? We could use a little transparency on that subject, too, Hillary.